I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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