Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
