Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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