How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
