Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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