Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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