Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
