My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
