I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
