can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
