This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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