i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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