i may or may not be watching the land before time
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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