yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
