I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
