How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
