Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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