Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
