Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
there was a trapeze. enough said
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
