Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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