I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
