Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
