my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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