onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
