I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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