i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
