Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
