got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
