Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
