It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
