i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
