I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
