Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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