so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
