I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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