He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
