I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
