mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I want to fling myself into the sun
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
