there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
