even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
