I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
