sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize