First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
