Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
