Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
