Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize