The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
50% drunk capacity currently
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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