How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
