On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
