god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You ate ashes out of my bong
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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