every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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