u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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