I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize