he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize