my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
