i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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