There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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