Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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