as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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