This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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