one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
