fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize