chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
