I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
