Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
not ubering you a puppy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
