Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize