I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
