It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
