Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
