Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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