I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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