My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
