would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
